Doomsday 31st Jul 2004

Time flies. It's already 31st Jul. Perhaps I shall start setting objectives instead of goals.

Unimaginably full. ("Eating makes one feel alive?" Hmm. Now I know how compulsive eating develops) And feeling pretty tired too. Hahhaa. Met two clients today... was at work till 6+ in the evening... Wondering wat's the point of work. We work to live, don't we? Why is it that most ppl seem to see it as life itself -- it's kinda sad, I think. Don't be mistaken -- I am totally supportive of being industrious. Nothing can be done without hardwork. Just tt it is certainly not the PURPOSE in life.

I believe when I know what I really want, I don't think I'd be doing what I'm doing now. Or rather, having the results that I have right now. (The latter sounds more right.)

I am missing something in life. Something I believe in, strongly. It used to be love, that has provided a driving force. (Or sex, as Freud would like us all to believe. :P) I am doing the best I can in wat I do, as I believe in being a good testimonial. But somehow undeniably -- I know I'm missing something. The problem is that I do not know wat is it. *Wat can be more frustrating?*

There are a lot of things I like doing. Travelling. Helping people. Being on stage. Play pool. Learning things. Teaching.

Perhaps Recognition? Love? More Respect? Money? Self-actualisation? Some part of me remains dormant. Maybe it's passion... for something. I think some part of me disbelieves in me. Hmmmmm...

Or perhaps I've been looking at all the wrong places. Being successful. Earning lots are things tt are nice to do, but perhaps tt's not my purpose? *Wonder wonder wonder*

Or perhaps I'm just tired of trying to prove myself. Ha!

Love has driven me to do some quite impossible things. Perhaps it's tt spark I lack. Perhaps. Perhaps. I think I've forgotten how it feels like. Tt sounds pretty pathetic. Maybe I've just toughened myself up so much, so that I do not have to feel hurt.

Boils down to balance. *Cue see saw* Crucial to life.

Someone is celebrating his/her birthday. One of my neighbours opposite. Could hear them singing birthday song. I'm 26 on 26 this year. Happens only once this lifetime.

Wonder how's Wu Zhaoyang... thot of him, cos he said I shld come attend his bd party, cos he's only 16 on the date 16 once in a lifetime. Couldn't make it cos was at Great-grandma's funeral. Irony. 10 yrs ago. *if u happen to &@*^$#* read my blog, u better comment immediately, miss my call when I called u in Texas. Leave msg with your Dad, u oso didn't call back. X((* Here's some more information about him, in case you are his friend, and chanced upon this -- University of Texas, Austin, graduated from Civil Engineering. Continued doing his Masters. Shld have gotten his green card by now.

Perhaps I shld try friendster...

Voyeurs! Cover yourselves!

How many times have you watched someone who doesn't know you are watching him?

Does duration count when you simply watch? If it's just a short while, is it still considered voyeurism?

Wat truly constitutes voyeurism?

I guess watching a lady dig her nose in her car isn't really voyerism, (this is a small warning to all that you are still very visible to ppl in other vehicles. If you think it's dark, no one can see you, your SUV is too high for someone to see you doing the most un-ladylike act, pls think again).

Very whimsical mood. Hahaha...

Or how many times have you ever followed or watched the actions of someone you had a crush on? (Please be truthful about this... hahhaa. )

Tt's whimsical quadruple-d! :P

In the mood for music

Heard a friend's playing of various piano pieces... like a certain fragrance from the past -- it puts one in the mood to reminisce.

No technical expertise, no matter, I just used my heart to listen to music -- anyway, tt's how I enjoy music. Tears fell, when I first heard Yu Jian from Turn Left, Turn Right. Movie ticket stub still on my monitor. (When will I throw away things like tt? Aiyo... Then it turned into a waterfall with Inochi No Namae... Hahha. I had a penchant for sad pieces, I used to choose the sad ones as my sister advanced thru the Grades, and learn to play them. Now from lack of practice, I don't remember how to play them anymore. Ha!

Anyway, I know I would learn how to play the piano properly, at least b4 I pass from this world. :) Tt's a must!

Writing in Chinese (cos gotta be Chinese emcee for W's wedding tmr... S will be my partner emcee -- English speaking). The words still don't look half bad. HEEE. Glad last time Chinese teacher made us practise so much.

But now hand getting cramped from too much ironing today, think I've never ironed so many, so fast in my life.

Hahah. Time flies by, cos have time limit to finish up!
Not simply time -- WEEKS fly by.

Very Bad Things

How are the bad things in my life affecting the rest of it?

Just wondering about it just now... maybe a lot, maybe so much tt it clouds the rest of it. Like relationship with my Dad. Maybe the fact tt he believed tt we're never good enuff still affects me till this day.

Think I might need a shrink myself. Do shrinks ever see shrinks?

A short period of affirmations isn't going to counter the effects of decades of self-doubt. Not tt soon anyway, I guess.

Seee. This is the retribution I get for "laughing" at my friend who's being treated for late stage depression. Cos I believe we are in charge of how we feel. No one can hurt us, unless we choose to let it happen. So people shldn't feel depressed. They feel depressed cos they want to.

We aren't in control of our lives, P, but we are certainly in charge of how we respond to wat happens to us. :)

HMMM. i do NOT like being negative or passive. Damn u vicious cycle. OUT! Out of my way! Out of my life!

What is your definition of success?

Just wrote a feedback to TODAY. Wonder if it would get to see the light of the day. Haha!

I refer to Michael Loh Yik Ming's "Beyond transcripts, all else is trash" and "Lighten school load..." by Anne Jeffery.

If success is simply defined as having a good career or getting "higher-calibre jobs", then yes, "a good degree" would suffice.

Yet, as the truth bears out, some of the successful businessmen in society, the ones the media cover, the ones we look up to, do not neccessarily have one.

Perhaps the fear of failure has permeated every level of society and consciousness that we allow our children to be mediocre, simply to conform. And for most of us, being a "failure" would include being a sportsman, an artist, or entertainer (unless we have legions of fans, or earning lots of money). It even includes those who have decided to start something on their own. We would have failed, unless proven successful (ie. made money). Or, "well-wishers" will warn of calamities and wish us luck.

I'm grateful for changes already in motion, and I applaud the setting up of the Singapore Sports School, but are the rest of us ready for it?

One very good reason why our birthrates are falling could simply be that potential parents-to-be do not want to put their children through the same pressures they have been through. Enough is enough. Let the children realise their potentials and write their own success stories.

According to Bessie Stanley, Success is
To laugh often and much;
to win the respect of intelligent people
and the affection of children;
to earn the appreciation of honest critics
and endure the betrayal of false friends;
to appreciate beauty; to find the best in others;
to leave the world a bit better,
whether by a healthy child,
a garden patch
or a redeemed social condition;
to know even one life has breathed easier
because you have lived.
This is to have succeeded.

I believe there are many definitions of success. What is yours? I look forward to receiving and compiling letters and articles on the subject and youth activism. We are certainly not as apathetic as most people think. Please send them to sophia.tan@pacific.net.sg.

Sophia Tan

Getting married?

My dear plants are starting to curl... they are "Tillandsias", or commonly known as airplants, chose one in which the leaves would curl like a a lock of permed hair. Bought the small version. So gotta wait for it to grow, curl, flower... ynak ynak, ynak... can't wait *rubs hands together gleefully*

Hmmm. Tt action seems to remind me of the sinister guy in SMURFS! Don't ask me why... I'm puzzled myself. Maybe the air at 3am is making me "hallucinate". Why would I think of this bad guy? Many other bad guys do tt too! *Cue smurfs' song -- nah nah nah nahnahnah, nah nah nah nah nah* Now I'm thinking of the CJC uniform, and how they used get "suaned" by this song... meanies!

Room HALF packed. I'm must really be slow. Think after packing up after others, packing for oneself seems REAAALLLIII tedious.

Meeting up with Richard, Sharon, Weipeng, and Weijie tmr (or rather, later today) to discuss Weipeng's wedding dinner details, cos gonna be MC again! 24 July. Tt's his. At Safra. Third time being MC.

Alison's. 6 Aug. At Fullerton. Not being MC. And going there to gawk at the place, and the bride. I'm sure Alison's gonna be ravishing. :)

Hahah, and I paid for my parents to go for my cousin's wedding a week ago... 3 already... hole quite big this month. Ahhh... but it's a blessing. I'm glad friends, and peers are getting married. It's a beautiful thing. :) Mine's no where in sight. But I shldn't lament, think the more I lament, the more it escapes me. :P Maybe I shld really be afraid, ladies don't exactly become bachelorettes, as the tv programme so nicely puts it. They become SpinsterS! Whahhaha. Then I'll be hoping when I'm 30 tt I've not been so choosy. But I'm not choosy ma! Maybe he's just round the corner. Have I mentioned I loved "Pretty Woman"? It's nice to get swept off my feet. Hee.

Taling abt "The Bachelorette", "The Bachelor" is like legal prostitution on TV. The women are selling themselves the best they can, with "Survivor"-like element incorporated into it, and the MAN... the MAN... he's like choosing fish from the market, touch, probe, kiss, (of cos no one would kiss fish at the market), then throw one side. Wants only the "cheap and good". Wat's the world coming to, I'm sure the ladies could find a good match or a better match outside the series. Maybe when I'm older, I'll do the same. Wahhahaaa. Or join SDU activities.

One married pair of friends broke off tho... heart-rending to hear abt it, but dunno how to help either -- too sensitive, too complex. So kept out of it.

Marriage's sacred, it's for life. Don't toy with it. (aka Don't drink, and drive.)

Hmmm. Think my typing's really much faster than writing. I used to spend so much more time writing. Ha!

Anyway, gotta catch up on sleep.

Be careful wat we wish for, cos we really do get it. :)

To succeed -- pls do not set goals

Really interesting... :) from something I've read...
 


The Spirituality of Success, Getting Rich with Integrity -- Vincent M. Roazzi

"This is another of those times when I am going to tell you something directly opposite of what the world has taught you. Goals, and more precisely, today's goal-setting strategies, keep you from achieving success! Of all the concepts I've related to you so far, this is prob the most surprising...

The real trick to success is not getting it, it's keeping it.

Without true success consciousness, achieving a specific outcome becomes a short-lived experience.

Every time you think about your goal, as many trainings prescribe today, you come face to face with the fact, that you DON'T have it. The result is that you inadvertently conjure up all the power of negative thinking, and the thought that you constantly hold and reinforce in your mind is one of lack. Your focus is on failure!

Focusing on what your ego wants, on your goal, creates fear -- the fear of not achieving it. Before you know it, negative programming steps in and you begin to hedge on your goal. You start to invent the excuses (expectations) that you'll use when it doesn't materialise. Your focus on an ego-centred goal causes you not to achieve it.

Instead of setting goals, I propose that you establish objectives. Objectives allow for flexibility, while goals are more rigid. However, that is not the greatest difference btw setting a goal and establishing an objective. The major difference between them is how they're formulated. The goal-setting strategies today teach that when a person sets a goal, he or she should begin by deciding what they want (desire) and is followed up by a thought process. Using that process, the goals are usually self-centred, egostical, and sometimes just plain selfish.

Establishing an objective is different. In formulating an objective, the thought comes first, and then you back it up with emotion (desire). It's exactly the opposite way that ppl are instructed to formulate their goals. The thoughts by which you establish your objective begin with a good you can bring to other ppl, the world, or the marketplace. You can set a goal to start a business so that you can become rich, and you'll prob fail (nine out of ten do), or you can start a business to help people by delievering the best (product) to the marketplace, and as a result, have a much better chance of becoming wealthy.
 
It may seem like a fine point, but it makes all the difference in the world. Take my example of having the number-one sales team in the country. When I began, I wanted the top sales team for egostical reasons. I wanted to be number one and made a plan to get the job done. The plan did not allow for anyone else to become number one, just me. No wonder no one else would buy into my plan. But as soon as I focused on the thought of the team being number one, they and the entire universe conspired to get the job done. We back up the thought with emotion, and achieving it was almost effortless. In the end, they gave me an award for being the number-one area manager in the country, but by this time, I knew who deserved the real credit, and I made sure everyone else knew it when I gave my acceptance speech. The lesson is simple -- have an end result tt helps ppl, and in the end you will be helped!"

Day of mishaps and "praying very hard"

Perhaps I shld explain myself... it's NOT the first time I'm clearing my room... just that I've not cleared it for so long, it feels like first time. :P

Dented the van today -- WWWAAAAAHHH! :( BIIGG dent. Feel really bad about it. My driver on MC these two days, so had to take over the driving for these two days. Crapp. Two dents in a day. One in the morning, boss dented it himself. Then me, again, in the afternoon, jialat, poor van like fall down like tt. My driver would be knocked out will she sees it. I'm also very xim tiah too. Why like tt? (I seemed to have lost all sense of grammar and laws of English... wat the hell. This is my blog, who cares. I'm sure English teachers do not write Queen's english in their diaries! Or do they...?)

Wat if it's my own vehicle next time? I love driving. I love the feel of changing gears, and I'd definitely have my own ride. AND MANUAL. Ppl could call me mad all they want, but I would still prefer a manual. Altezza? S15 (Two-door! Selfish car!)? Opel Astra Cabriolet? (Is it manual?) Renault Megane Cabriolet? (Is it manual?) Haven't seem to have "met" my dream car yet... or am I simply giving myself too many excuses?

Been collecting the new $10 plastic notes... if MAS is going to "re-new" all notes into plastics, tt's it... I won't have cash to use anymore. Maybe they should, and I would have no excuse not to practise what "The Richest Man in Babylon" advocates. Hee.

Read about audioblogger on blogger.com. (I'm still so a newbie at blogging! *slaps forehead*) A friend has encouraged me to record my voice using the computer, hmmm. But I'm clueless as to how to get it done. Being a recording artiste or performing isn't too bad an idea... heh heh. Remembered had quite a lot of lyrics, and scores kept away when I was in the choir... Can dig out again liao! Too bad I couldn't make it for Singapore Idols -- not dramatic enough, probably I should just stick to acting. [And be a waitress (apparently there are no other cliched jobs in Hollywood...], getting my dose of adrenalin, and stab at stardom! WOW-wwwwweeee!) Sis's bf thinks I could sing pretty well too. He didn't know about it, until I was practising for Idol. I'd love my vocal range to be wider. :)

That'll help me fuel my dreams for travels, travels, and lots of travels. Hahha. Took out my Travellers' Atlas, so that it'll remind me of my lust for it, and fuel a revolution in me! Learning about ppl and cultures... talking to them... incrrrreedible experience.

I must have half-spooked out my cousin when I 'marvelled' at their mountains as we drove up the winding roads of Genting. He must be swearing "suaku" under his breath. Haizz... just that I miss nature so so much... I wouldn't mind waking up with my butt wet again, and with an itch tt wouldn't go away even after splashing with "pristine" mountain water, and tons of powder. Burning away leeches... and who would forget not having a toilet...

Speaking of nature, and reading a friend's blog, I miss the beach. First bf, first kiss, where I had my most fun with my friends, getting together, blading, and of cos... my three-bbq-pit 21st birthday, and running around like a mad-woman.

No sign of flowering from my plants yet... anyway, it's only been a day! Ha!

TATA! Introducing myself to the digital world!

Hee... my first official blog... to gripe with!

GRIPINGS
Gripe#1. Someone shld ban TV with inane programmes -- esp certain Taiwanese you-know-wats. Garbage in, garbage out. Imagine this is wat ppl watch b4 they go to sleep... wonder wat they produce during work the next day.

Gripe #2. Korean movies/stars/food are a weird lot. Maybe it's simply cos it's too "intriguing" for me. Don't get them, and why ppl are so ga-ga over them. Are ppl reaaallli tt mad about Jeon Ji-hyun and the likes?

Gripe #3. No one to watch movies with... Cos I'm always late to ask or wat? Everyone seems to have already watched the shows I'd like to watch with someone (fren, bf, gf, sister, brother -- you name it) Anyone hasn't watched Spidey 2? *heeeellllllooooo*

But when I first try to look out for a certain show -- it usu isn't even preview yet... perhaps it's just a case of bad timing... or it's work during evenings too!

NEW ROOM, NEW LIFE
Clearing my room, for the first time... after seeing so many houses in my line of work... it's usually cluttered homes, cluttered minds... which equals cluttered thinking, slow or bad decisions, haphazard planning, and ultimatedly, a hackneyed life...

But after clearing, my room is still pretty clutter-y... hahaha. :P Too attached to throw away everything. Shld be more hard-hearted. MEAN.

Bought two plants to accompany me... and as a reminder to prevent me from over-indulging myself. This are erm, soil-less plants. To be watered upside down, so tt their leaves won't be logged with water. Like hydroponic plants -- but no roots! And dig this -- the leaves turn purple! My faaavv colour! So exposing them under my study light now... ... :)

Shld sleep now... dowan to morph into a panda... ~waves