Beauty and the Prince

The clients I've met... it's mostly happy families with a much capable husband, happy wife.

*Arrrghhh... whole family *except me* outside getting ready to watch TV. Yucks. It's attaining the status of the fan, and aircon.* Of cos I like to watch my idols. *Used to hate ppl saying I like certain things, and it'll just make me hate them... think I have to think back to my childhood, why is tt the case... someone must have made me totally humuliated... ahhhh... my sec school days, perhaps?

And someone in the show Lie4 Huo3 Xiong2 Xin1 reminds me of someone... HMMMM... Hhaha. And tmr there'll be a new show with two shuai4 male leads. *yum, hahha. Still say I hate watching... I do hate it. Just tt they both are very good-looking*

Ok, back to my story...

And the ladies I've met... if they are successful, their hubbies are even more successful... that has always been the formula, it seems. If the ladies are successful, or hugely successful -- then they are alone too. And pretty eccentric... Like wat they say Lao3 Gu1 Po2... SpinsterS! Wat a not-so-nice thot.

Well, it's still the guy's responsibility to provide. Now, I'm just a bit worried tt I'm pushing away ppl who offered to do so! And I could become tai-tai, and don't do work liao! And I simply be Mummy! Care, and teach my children. Blissssssssss. whahah. :P But unfortunately, they just don't click. No sparks. Dead. eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeewww. :(

Or they don't have CHARITY, COMPASSION, CHARACTER, COURTESY, CONFIDENCE or maybe not CREDITABLE. Watever we can't get, is always the most precious... and we mope over it... and mope too long. :P And perhaps watever tt we are looking for has always been there, just tt we've not noticed. :)

Those who do not provide for their families, or do not plan, or do not know how to, or COMPLETELY self-assuming (THINK THEY ARE KNOW IT ALL, or all self-consuming, narcissistic) ought to be SHOT. Yeah.

Frrrrreeeeeeeeddddooom!

National Day.

Glad I could have the day off. U.S. has been so successful cos they are such advocates of freedom. Freedom from fear... fear of lack. Fear of oppression.

Even watching TV has such a feeling of oppression. I'll dread the day when I'm asked to pay rent to stay on.

6 Aug -- A's wedding
I've been looking forward to her wedding ever since she's said she's gonna get married. Wow. She really looked resplendent (this word seems to lack glitter, still) in her wedding dress. Cos she's already so pretty. I'm so so glad for her tt she's found a good man to marry. Her speech was simple, yet poignant. Her husband just spoke a few words, and she struggled to address her Father-in-law and Mother-in-law in cantonese. Bless her heart. I wish her a happy happy marriage forever and after. She loves kids. I can already see little As and Rs running ard. She was mad over Beckham's son's pictures sent over the emails. Well, her kids are going to be beautiful too.

A friend came to me. Told me something tt I'm not too surprised to find out. Maybe I'm just not so "responsive" anymore to any sort of news anymore. Yes, yes lor. No, no lor. Maybe even if another Sept 11 shld happen -- I'm not going to be very bothered. Things which used to be impt weren't tt impt anymore. Why? Is this a process of self-discovery? I'm not very sure I like wat I'm seeing. Or feeling. Cos I'm quite dead. This is wat I dread. I've not been sleeping very much, cos always wanted to do something, do something, to sort of "wake" myself. Where will it lead me?

No adrenaline rush already. Dead.

Tried on her wedding dress... put it over wat I was wearing... *sssshhh... she doesn't know* He asked if I'd like to wear it, I said, "of cos", who doesn't. But he knows he's not going to settle down tt way, and I feel his pain. He just broke up. Maybe we got closer cos we feel something kindred. The first time I saw him cry.

He spoke of "abandonment", which I empathise with... acutely. "Abandonment" has been a friend of mine since I was a baby. Not abandoned on the street. Just not wanted. Most of the time. Like a burden. And I don't think I could ever forget wat my Dad told me. Made me feel like an orphan. Now I'm paying my dues... I think I might need some help. I'm not very sure how help could be rendered. Hahah. Maybe I wasn't really healed. Yet. Maybe it sort of got triggered. Hmm. And of cos, thinking of past relationships didn't help very much. "Abandoment", when he said it, I was thinking, is he talking about me?

I can't sort of get over the fact tt I felt my Dad helped to screw up my life. I'm still carrying a lot of anger, but I do not believe it helps very much. It's negative energy. And I wanna get Mum away from it, cos I do not think it's positive influence in any way. Of cos I have made decisions tt help or screw up my life too, but at least it's been my choices. Dad never seemed to like my bfs, for a certain reason, and if there's anyone I know he likes... like my friends who come over, I'll make sure I wouldn't like him. Mum just said, now he'd probably approve of anyone. Ha! My life would have been quite different. I'd prob be doing biotechnology. Was even afraid of going out with someone cos Dad didn't approve. Cos I was still in JC. Bah... Now I just wanna make sure my sis's life doesn't get screwed up. IF anything is going to stand in my way again, I'll destroy it. It's just not worth it getting one's life's screwed up cos you do not have your family's or friends' blessings. Esp when my choices had been right, but wasn't allowed to execute. See, sometimes this is wat u get when u can't say no. While the person would prob not even listen to his own advice, you're left with the mess and the consequences simply cos you can't say no.

Saw a friend's friend's daughter yesterday for pool, a cute and very sweet little lady. Very glad to see her being doted on by her Dad. It's good to grow up with love and all-encompassing tolerance, and understanding.

"Dear Heavenly Father, pls remove my pain, and teach me forgiveness. For I still bear pain of the past, which I would like to let go. Let me forgive, as I have, forgiven all the rest. Thanks for helping me with that. :) I pray too, for my little one. Amen. Thanks, Daddy."

Work, eat, sleep. Is that all we know?

Was just yesterday tt my client commmented as we visited him:

"Wow, another week has passed by, and we're meeting again."

Yes, tt's right. That is what we are doing with our lives. Day in, day out.

Let's give ourselves 12775 days to do tt. Work, eat, sleep. Work, eat, sleep. Work, eat, sleep. Work, eat, sleep. Work, eat, sleep. Work, eat, sleep. Work, eat, sleep. Work, eat, sleep. Work, eat, sleep. Work, eat, sleep. Work, eat, sleep. (Of cos some of us do more meaningful work, but those few words seem to make up the bulk of it, doensn't it?) Work, eat, sleep. Work, eat, sleep. Work, eat, sleep. Work, eat, sleep. Work, eat, sleep. Work, eat, sleep. Work, eat, sleep.
And most ppl really DO do it more than 12000 times... doesn't seem like such a big number right?

Cos tt will make me 60 years old, effectively. An entire lifetime gone. 35 yrs down the road. For me, I only need to add another 12000 times of that. Can I allow myself to wallow like tt for 35 years?

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Let's remind myself too:

Started out very sentimental... took me three yrs to get over my very first one. HEE.

Four relationships down... my most recent one got so much on my nerves being non-committal, and aloof, dunno-where-to-find-him, never got to meet his friends, nor family, can't be bothered to tell his friends abt me (wat the *&$@*&$ is tt?) tt I couldn't wait for it to be over. It was lifeless, in my opinion. Haha.

I also means the relationship didn't mean very much. Unfortunately. Hmm. Think tt's fortunately for me.

So there's no right or wrong answer. No one can tell if you are ready, except for you yourself. And there's no use forcing if you are not. Simple.

"Then again, if you don't need anybody, why would anybody need you?" Which is very true. If you've never let your guard down, no one can come in. And it a vicious cycle tt perpetuates itself.

But it's only natural tt we'd want to protect ourselves from hurt.

Just my 2 cts worth.