Frrrrreeeeeeeeddddooom!

National Day.

Glad I could have the day off. U.S. has been so successful cos they are such advocates of freedom. Freedom from fear... fear of lack. Fear of oppression.

Even watching TV has such a feeling of oppression. I'll dread the day when I'm asked to pay rent to stay on.

6 Aug -- A's wedding
I've been looking forward to her wedding ever since she's said she's gonna get married. Wow. She really looked resplendent (this word seems to lack glitter, still) in her wedding dress. Cos she's already so pretty. I'm so so glad for her tt she's found a good man to marry. Her speech was simple, yet poignant. Her husband just spoke a few words, and she struggled to address her Father-in-law and Mother-in-law in cantonese. Bless her heart. I wish her a happy happy marriage forever and after. She loves kids. I can already see little As and Rs running ard. She was mad over Beckham's son's pictures sent over the emails. Well, her kids are going to be beautiful too.

A friend came to me. Told me something tt I'm not too surprised to find out. Maybe I'm just not so "responsive" anymore to any sort of news anymore. Yes, yes lor. No, no lor. Maybe even if another Sept 11 shld happen -- I'm not going to be very bothered. Things which used to be impt weren't tt impt anymore. Why? Is this a process of self-discovery? I'm not very sure I like wat I'm seeing. Or feeling. Cos I'm quite dead. This is wat I dread. I've not been sleeping very much, cos always wanted to do something, do something, to sort of "wake" myself. Where will it lead me?

No adrenaline rush already. Dead.

Tried on her wedding dress... put it over wat I was wearing... *sssshhh... she doesn't know* He asked if I'd like to wear it, I said, "of cos", who doesn't. But he knows he's not going to settle down tt way, and I feel his pain. He just broke up. Maybe we got closer cos we feel something kindred. The first time I saw him cry.

He spoke of "abandonment", which I empathise with... acutely. "Abandonment" has been a friend of mine since I was a baby. Not abandoned on the street. Just not wanted. Most of the time. Like a burden. And I don't think I could ever forget wat my Dad told me. Made me feel like an orphan. Now I'm paying my dues... I think I might need some help. I'm not very sure how help could be rendered. Hahah. Maybe I wasn't really healed. Yet. Maybe it sort of got triggered. Hmm. And of cos, thinking of past relationships didn't help very much. "Abandoment", when he said it, I was thinking, is he talking about me?

I can't sort of get over the fact tt I felt my Dad helped to screw up my life. I'm still carrying a lot of anger, but I do not believe it helps very much. It's negative energy. And I wanna get Mum away from it, cos I do not think it's positive influence in any way. Of cos I have made decisions tt help or screw up my life too, but at least it's been my choices. Dad never seemed to like my bfs, for a certain reason, and if there's anyone I know he likes... like my friends who come over, I'll make sure I wouldn't like him. Mum just said, now he'd probably approve of anyone. Ha! My life would have been quite different. I'd prob be doing biotechnology. Was even afraid of going out with someone cos Dad didn't approve. Cos I was still in JC. Bah... Now I just wanna make sure my sis's life doesn't get screwed up. IF anything is going to stand in my way again, I'll destroy it. It's just not worth it getting one's life's screwed up cos you do not have your family's or friends' blessings. Esp when my choices had been right, but wasn't allowed to execute. See, sometimes this is wat u get when u can't say no. While the person would prob not even listen to his own advice, you're left with the mess and the consequences simply cos you can't say no.

Saw a friend's friend's daughter yesterday for pool, a cute and very sweet little lady. Very glad to see her being doted on by her Dad. It's good to grow up with love and all-encompassing tolerance, and understanding.

"Dear Heavenly Father, pls remove my pain, and teach me forgiveness. For I still bear pain of the past, which I would like to let go. Let me forgive, as I have, forgiven all the rest. Thanks for helping me with that. :) I pray too, for my little one. Amen. Thanks, Daddy."